I love looking back through my blog. Pinpointing back to when I truly began falling in love with bodybuilding and seeing the changes in my body! I just read through one of my last articles where I had fallen off the bodybuilding wagon and gained 15lbs…how motivated I was to get back in the gym and I DID! Then I moved to Miami in sunny Florida and I thought I would be able to keep up. I was depressed and sick weekly. Practically the worst experience of my life but the most professionally rewarding. Now that my fellowship program is over I have the opportunity to look for a more stable career. In the meantime, I am going to become a personal trainer (and get my spinning certificate) which has been a long time goal. In order to avoid becoming disheartened and lost in this transition I have to come up with some goals. I am a firm believer in God. I know that He places desires in our heart and that He truly enjoys our ideas. So now I get to dream more and He gets to accomplish more through my life.
As children and young adults we were constantly thinking of things to do and new ways to become our own “best” self. After college I came up with a list of things I wanted to do. I collected my ideas and ideology’s and drafted a road map on how to become the woman I had always wanted to become. In 2011, I had the epiphany that I had become her but somewhere on the highway from Oklahoma to Florida she lost herself to become a prosthetic arm grasping at what it thought was right; at what it thought was for the best. Crazy as it was last year, I accomplished so much professionally and personally but it did not have the same amount of pleasure as it would have had if she had stayed. So now I have to coax her out of hiding. Rediscover what had become lost. Dream new dreams. Be happy again.
Now all I have is free time. I get to blog, write, paint, search for the perfect job, hone my resume, make new friends and go to the beach since it is literally 5 minutes down the road. I am barely starting to feel like “me” again. I have been heartsick for home. For nearly 7 years I called Oklahoma “home.” I found myself there and became the woman I had always wanted to become while standing next to the Arkansas River. Returning is not feasible at the moment and honestly I think what I miss most is the me that I was. Not where I used to live but the woman who discovered how to live. I just feel drawn to return because that is where she was seen last but I can not and I must move forward with what I have available to me. So I am going to let it go and enjoy the moment because it is all going to work out anyways. I am going to enjoy the growing pains and except the things I can not change. It hurts at times…but mostly in a real good way. If I can send a love letter to the woman I was and who I want to become once again: Come out of hiding because we have more roads to wander.
In Health,
Michelle
Motivated 4 Life 